Of Plans & Plushies

Copyright @EastPerry

I used to think that living with intention meant I had to know the plan. Like, if I focused on getting specific with my abilities and desires, I’d be able to efficiently manifest outcomes that would make me feel fulfilled, “successful.” I’d feel “on purpose;” and, I wouldn’t feel a deep undercurrent of disappointment in myself.

Throughout my life, I’ve kept setting up plans: researching them, meditating on them, acting on them. Plus, there have been other people in my life that have also wanted me to have plans. Plans that would lead to Predictable Monthly Income.

I am organized. I do have the “vision” thing. I have Executive Function in spades. But, my plans have never panned out per my goals for them.

And, I think I’m finally okay with that.

Maybe the choice is better described as, ‘Be okay with this.’ or, ‘Continue beating your head against the wall and complaining about constant headaches.’

I’ve come to see myself on a path of having life experiences and doing my best to process them with Loving Kindness for myself and others.

Which doesn’t mean I like it as my plans keep running aground. Argh! I feel the disappointment, the frustration, the panic, the despair. And, then… I glimpse a pattern that’s not working: I don’t like its outcomes. What are my choices? What is a choice I haven’t tried, yet? I’m gonna try that one. Even though I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m going to stumble around the unfamiliar and trust that if I fall down, I’m gonna get back up okay(ish).

Today, I felt like I got a “thumbs up” from the Universe.

Out of the blue, a longtime friend/collaborator of mine, Janine, has a project in the works. Janine founded an import/export company just over 10 years ago called East Perry. I love Janine, and I’ve bought sheepskin and organic wool items from her company and rooted for her growth.

A million years ago, I worked with Janine while she was at her first company, Connected Sparks. We were all engaged in storytelling in service to childhood education and media literacy. I had hopes and sketchy plans of setting the world on fire via multi-platform IP, stuffed plushies, an app, a website, and more. Long story short, that plan didn’t materialize. We all moved on to the next things in our lives.

But, here I am, more than a decade later, still in touch with Janine, still rooting for her creativity, her entrepreneurialism, her marvelous soul. She’s just opened a WeFunder campaign, and I’m delighted that I’m able to invest/loan her company money to grow on via my IRA. Not only do I know from experience that her products have integrity, I’m tickled that she has introduced wool plushies, Marlow and Clover, and will be releasing books about them! It happily reminds me of our days working on Lyka’s Adventure at Connected Sparks.

So, over a decade ago, my plans failed to take off the way I hoped. But, today, I’m having a full-circle moment, in a completely unintended, un-forecasted, unplanned way.

Isn’t that fabulous?

Now, if only I could plan for more unplanned delights like this… Ha ha. Just kidding.

I Don’t Feel Sick

I feel I’m fully living in the moment, and this feels like a “win,” but am I missing a bigger picture?

This year has presented me with sudden medical issues and a cancer diagnosis. The sudden event was a pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, and sepsis which put me in the hospital for six days. The cancer diagnosis came after thyroid surgery several months later. I remember a nurse saying to me that it would take some time to process all that happened to put me in the hospital, and I got that. I didn’t know what would come, but I got that there was a “before” and “after.” But, the cancer diagnosis threw me for a loop.

I don’t feel sick. At all. Thankfully.

While I was in the hospital, I felt unimaginable pain in my torso - especially, my whole right side (my blood clots were in my right lung). It was one of those situations where I thought to myself, ‘Wow, I’m really sick.’ Have you ever talked yourself out of feeling poorly? I feel like that’s my Default Setting. I’m used to soldiering on. Drink some water. Try to sleep it off. Those options weren’t going to work; I couldn’t even lie down because of the pain.

But, I didn’t feel Death near. Even as days went by, and I would accumulate another symptom, and another one. I felt the pain. I felt the fatigue. But, I didn’t feel any imminent departure coming, or fear. Cut to, six months later and thyroid surgery. Turns out that what they removed was cancerous. This means that I’ll have another surgery to remove the rest of my thyroid before the end of the year. Again, I’m not fearing Death. But, I do feel a heaviness associated with a cancer diagnosis. And, it makes me wonder, ‘Should I be doing something differently?’

Actually, it makes me think I’ve done something wrong. I’ve eaten wrong. I haven’t processed emotions. I like espresso too much. I don’t exercise enough, nor eat enough fresh vegetables. There’s something in my karma that I’m missing, or under-performing on. These are the fly-by thoughts that buzz around the edges of my fully-present mindset. On one hand, I feel fine; I feel grateful for all my many blessings. On the other hand, I don’t know what I don’t know. Is this time, the “between?” Between feeling fine, and not? Between assuming life will go on and be productive for the next few decades, or not? Between a year when my body’s warranty seemed to expire, and the rest of my life when my body rebounds with strength and health?

I just don’t know.

When I was younger, I wanted the answers. I have a big brain, and it likes to do heavy lifting. I had ambition; I was inspired to live with intention, and without regrets. For years, I struggled with being in my head so much. Anxiety, depression, very high highs, very low lows. It’s taken my life time so far to embrace that I’m not just my intelligence and intellect, but that I’m the Inner Observer (I learned about this from “The Untethered Soul,” by Michael Singer, but numerous teachers/authors/traditions speak to it) who is witnessing my experiences - all the thoughts, feelings, and impulses. I have come to believe I am a soul, having a human experience.

So, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know if this cancer thing is a one-time ticket, or the beginning of a long-ass queue of events. I don’t know if I should wholesale change my eating habits, start taking supplements, commit to exercising like a boss, or do a “bucket list” activity NOW, instead of some time “in the future,” when we have our finances completed nailed down. Do any of us know? The Old Me would definitely want a heads-up, you know? Like, ‘Hello God, please send me a detailed instruction sheet for my next steps.’

Maybe these health events aren’t a Penalty Play, or a wake-up call, Maybe I’m not supposed to have it all figured out right now. Maybe this is an event that challenges my emotional equilibrium? But, I haven’t really struggled with that: I haven’t felt really depressed or demoralized or anything. Maybe it’s an event that’s doing something for the Soul Growth of someone in my life who loves me? All I know is that I feel okay. And, I trust that I am open to any “instructions” that may show up in front of me.

I know I want to stick around for my family. I want to play in the garden, and support Nature and beauty. I’d delight in helping others to witness their own badassery. I want to handle a falcon. I’d like to meet an elephant. And, I love my iced mochas in the mornings.

“When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.” — Unknown

Jumping Worms + Cancer

Image Copyright 2021 Lorie Marsh

My daughter and I made an unfortunate discovery this weekend in our front garden bed: jumping worms. According to the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources, “Jumping worms are a type of earthworm. They are called “jumping worms” because of their unusual behavior when disturbed – they move like a snake and sometimes appear to be jumping. A light-colored ring extends around the body and is closer to the head than in other earthworms.” Furthermore, “Jumping worms can dramatically change soils, giving it a unique texture similar to coffee grounds. Jumping worms feast on mulch and strip vital nutrients from topsoil. This kills plants and increases erosion. Homeowners may see garden plants killed and may have difficulty growing plants.”

Last Friday, I also learned the pathology results from my thyroid surgery: minimally invasive oncocytic carcinoma.

Well, poop. On both events.

A few years ago is when I first learned about jumping worms. They’d been noted in our Northern growing region, wreaking havoc on woodlands, stream beds, and gardens. There’s no sure-fire treatment to rid yourself of them if/when they appear in your yard, although there are efforts afoot to understand what might work. There are even support groups for gardeners who are bummed about their infestations! Jumping worms are so disruptive because they cluster and chew up roots and nutrients just under the surface of the soil, unlike earthworms like Red Wigglers or Nightcrawlers that chew single, deeper tunnels underfoot. The best one can do to avoid them is to be vigilant about what comes into your yard, to purchase materials and plants only from vendors that are taking precautions, and/or to knock the dirt off new-to-you plants, throw it away and plant bare root.

Apparently, I wasn’t vigilant enough. But, you know what? I tried. I am not one to garden hyper-vigilantly, but I was mindful to take precautions. And, they’ve shown up anyway. Going forward, I’ll monitor my plantings, I’ll try some of the remedies that have been researched. But, bringing stress to gardening is the exact opposite choice for me. I adore gardening because it keeps me grounded, present and delighted.

Which brings me to my cancer diagnosis. Last Summer, at an annual exam, my doctor noted nodules on my thyroid. I had been oblivious. She suggested next steps, and I was slow to take them because money was tight, plus I felt “fine.” I did get an ultrasound to measure the nodules in September. I was advised to get them biopsied, but again I tarried.

By February of 2026, I found myself in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, and sepsis. Thanks to that medical emergency, our budgeting considerations were blown out of the water. The costs exceeded our maximum for the year, so ironically, I no longer felt I had to deny myself care because of expense. We’re now in debt up to our eyeballs, but tests and procedures will be covered going forward the rest of this year. Two biopsies and one surgery later, I now have pathology results that beg the question, ‘what’s next?’

I don’t know, yet.

What I do know is that I’m doing my best. I’m surrounded by capable practitioners and loving friends and family. Like with the jumping worms, I’ll look into remedies, but I aim to keep grounded, present, and delighted.

Living With Big Dreams

Image Copyright Lorie Marsh 2021

“Gardeners, I think, are bigger dreamers than emperors.”

Mary Cantwell

This quote fits me. Over my life so far, I’ve followed many Big Dreams: living overseas, moving multiple times across the US, co-founding a startup software company, working in theater and independent film, co-founding a production company, becoming a mom, designing multi-platform IPs, becoming competent at photography and photo editing, founding a paper goods startup, selling at art/craft shows, oh, and exploring/executing permaculture solutions and designing organic gardens.

On one hand, I’m very proud of myself. On the other, I have felt exhausted, demoralized, and fed up at times. Big dreams can feel inspiring… and heavy.

Can you relate?

That’s why I’ve always turned to gardening to ground myself. Out in the dirt and the weather, with the bugs and the critters, I am reminded of simple pleasures: popping cherry tomatoes into my mouth, the vibrancy of intense fuschia-colored peonies and Oriental poppies blooming together, the smell of lilacs, fresh mulch, and roses.

As a gardener, one is never “finished,” right? I mean, I’ve had a plan that I’ve executed (and, it took me 7-8 years to afford it all), yes. But, season to season, I’m still met with a new wrinkle, problem, or inspiration. In the garden, plants mature and crowd out others. Trees grow taller, extending roots and shade. The last five years, especially, the weather has had its own tantrums with polar vortexes, dry Winters, extra soggy Springs, and “heat dome” effects in Summers. Plants have died.

I find this aspect of gardening like Life Dreams. Some folks are motivated by a singular dream; I admire that. Consider theirs to be like minimalistic garden designs with clean lines and a focused palette. Me, I dream in Technicolor, multi-function, large swathes of space. And, then I wake up one day and discover a new corner I didn’t see before. And, the next day, another one.

Gardening has taught me that plants die. Due to poor siting, ignorance, weather, foot traffic, weather weirdness, or simply, their life cycle. My experience is I’ve had dreams die, too. Long-held dreams and aspirations and Herculean efforts to bring them to fruition that just never took off, or they puttered into oblivion. And, I mourned them. And, I fretted about Purpose, and Identity, and Self Worth. And, I’ve learned, it’s all okay. You can compost them.

Dreams, like Nature, are regenerative. I’ve learned that by accepting when a dream dies, accepting that fallow space in myself, forgiving any mistakes or missteps along the way, that I then have room again for something new when it comes along. And, sometimes that something new takes seemingly forever to appear, but it does.

So, I encourage you, acknowledge and keep acting on your dreams, too. Our lives are our gardens.