I Don’t Feel Sick
I feel I’m fully living in the moment, and this feels like a “win,” but am I missing a bigger picture?
This year has presented me with sudden medical issues and a cancer diagnosis. The sudden event was a pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, and sepsis which put me in the hospital for six days. The cancer diagnosis came after thyroid surgery several months later. I remember a nurse saying to me that it would take some time to process what happened to put me in the hospital, and I got that. I didn’t know what would come, but I got that there was a “before” and “after.” But, the cancer diagnosis threw me for a loop.
I don’t feel sick. At all. Thankfully.
While I was in the hospital, I felt unimaginable pain in my torso - especially, my whole right side (my blood clots were in my right lung). It was one of those situations where I thought to myself, ‘Wow, I’m really sick.’ Have you ever talked yourself out of feeling poorly? I feel like that’s my Default Setting. I’m used to soldiering on. Drink some water. Try to sleep it off. Those options weren’t going to work; I couldn’t even lie down because of the pain.
But, I didn’t feel Death near. Even as days went by, and I would accumulate another symptom, and another one. I felt the pain. I felt the fatigue. But, I didn’t feel any imminent departure coming, or fear. Cut to, six months later and thyroid surgery. Turns out that what they removed was cancerous. This means that I’ll have another surgery to remove the rest of my thyroid before the end of the year. Again, I’m not fearing Death. But, I do feel a heaviness associated with a cancer diagnosis. And, it makes me wonder, ‘Should I be doing something differently?’
Actually, it makes me think I’ve done something wrong. I’ve eaten wrong. I haven’t processed emotions. I like espresso too much. I don’t exercise enough, nor eat enough fresh vegetables. There’s something in my karma that I’m missing, or under-performing on. These are the fly-by thoughts that buzz around the edges of my fully-present mindset. On one hand, I feel fine; I feel grateful for all my many blessings. On the other hand, I don’t know what I don’t know. Is this time, the “between?” Between feeling fine, and not? Between assuming life will go on and be productive for the next few decades, or not? Between a year when my body’s warranty seemed to expire, and the rest of my life when my body rebounded with strength and health?
I just don’t know.
When I was younger, I wanted the answers. I have a big brain, and it likes to do heavy lifting. I had ambition; I was inspired to do live with intention, and without regrets. For years, I struggled with being in my head so much. Anxiety, depression, very high highs, very low lows. It’s taken my life time so far to embrace that I’m not just my intelligence and intellect, but that I’m the Inner Observer (I learned about this from “The Untethered Soul,” by Michael Singer, but numerous teachers/authors/traditions speak to it) who is witnessing my experiences - all the thoughts, feelings, and impulses. I have come to believe I am a soul, having a human experience.
So, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know if this cancer thing is a one-time ticket, or the beginning of a long-ass queue of events. I don’t know if I should wholesale change my eating habits, start taking supplements, commit to exercising like a boss, or do a “bucket list” activity NOW, instead of some time “in the future,” when we have our finances completed nailed down. Do any of us know? The Old Me would definitely want a heads-up, you know? Like, ‘Hello God, please send me a detailed instruction sheet for my next steps.’
Maybe these health events aren’t a Penalty Play, or a wake-up call, Maybe I’m not supposed to have it all figured out right now. Maybe this is an event that challenges my emotional equilibrium? But, I haven’t really struggled with that: I haven’t felt really depressed or demoralized or anything. Maybe it’s an event that’s doing something for the Soul Growth of someone in my life who loves me? All I know is that I feel okay. And, I trust that I am open to any “instructions” that may show up in front of me.
I know I want to stick around for my family. I want to play in the garden, and support Nature and beauty. I’d delight in helping others to witness their own badassery. I want to handle a falcon. I’d like to meet an elephant. And, I love my iced mochas in the mornings.
“When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.” — Unknown
