Why Aren't You Getting What You Want?

You've figured out something you truly want. It took self-awareness and focus to clarify it, and you've set your intention to bring this Want to fruition. So, why is it now that every Not-That-Something is popping up to resist your Want?

Because, it's part of the story! Conflict is the engine that propels forth the Hero, and he is changed by experiencing a full spectrum of his Want, including its opposite.

I believe the same holds true for us all in our daily lives. We have our Wants, and we learn more about them and ourselves as we clear obstacles to them.

But, most of us don't expect to slam into an internal wall of Resistance.

CASE STUDY

I've been wrestling with my own resistance as I've been creating the content for my online course. My story has two combatants: the Task Master and the Lizard Brain. The Task Master (TM) is my "should monster." It's that voice in my head that constantly plans, tracks, and critiques every moment. The Lizard Brain (LB) is focused on primal survival and quelling emotional crises.

“The lizard brain is the reason you're afraid, the reason you don't do all the art you can, the reason you don't ship when you can. The lizard brain is the source of the resistance.” ~ Seth Godin

Since I'm creating something new, I don't have a clear path to follow. Every step forward is in faith that there's actually something solid enough to land on. When there isn't, I must step back and try another footfall elsewhere.

This creation process is triggering my "fight or flight" Lizard Brain, big time.

My-lizard-brain-causes-resistance

"Where will this step take me? Why didn't we stay in our familiar, safe cave? I'm hungry. I gotta pee. This path is hard; I hate it. Stop now."  ~ Lizard Brain

The Task Master is very impatient with all this reactive boo hoo hoo.

LB panics, "MUST SHUT DOWN. Never can think straight in the early a.m. ESCAPE stress of cloudy thoughts. CLOSE EYES."

TM retorts, “You’re gonna waste the morning again!”

“I’ll be able to think clearly once I wake back up.”

"No, no, no. You've got work to do! Get out of the house!"

"Just 20 minutes. Okay, 45 minutes," says LB.

"LOSER. Go ahead and give up. You suck." harangues the TM.

When I get back up, I do think more clearly; but, my TM is vexed with my "weakness" and how my LB sacrificed time that could've been spent doing something "productive." This recrimination colors the rest of my day, and sometimes even triggers LB again.

The question is, what is my story about this resistance? Is it that my Lizard Brain and Task Master are at war, that I am weak to give in to my Lizard Brain like I have, or something else?

Does one story shed a clearer light on where I need to grow than the others?

Our stories about resistance are like obstacle courses

I like the definition of resistance for exercise: a form of training in which you're working against some type of force that "resists" your movement to build muscle strength, endurance, and size. Think, weights, water exercise, using those giant rubber bands and so on.

As in Resistance Training, I want to choose a story about my resistance that enables me to strengthen my resolve and stamina to bring my Want to fruition.

If I stick with the story that I am weak to give in to my Lizard Brain, then I'm choosing a story that keeps me failing myself. Instead, if I realize that my LB and TM are feeding off each other in a warring circle, I can take action on this story and mediate a truce!

The kicker is, to truly build my endurance and strength, I know I'll have to keep "lifting those weights" of my resistance periodically.

Even though I can fantasize that I've mastered my resistance with one insightful effort, and now my Want will magically be freely attainable -- that hasn't been my experience in my life so far. What I'm saying is, choose a story about YOUR resistance that enables you to take action on it, but don't think you're "doing it wrong" as you repeatedly encounter it. You're building your strength and stamina. It's all good.

Evidently, I need "resistance training" with quieting the fears in myself. Between the anxiety my Task Master brings to the table and the depressive, shut-down reactions my Lizard Brain bring, I have a balancing act to keep improving!

So, what's your story about what's pushing back at you?

Storytelling for Personal Growth

Something happened! Or, nothing happened. In the telling of whatever happened, we create a story.

Stories help us filter our experiences and make sense of Life. Sharing them can foster a true connection with others and a deeper understanding of ourselves. Or, not.

Depending on the stories in your personal rotation, you might feel stuck: cut off from meaning, empowerment, and authentic connection with others.

That sounds isolating and craptastic to me. 

You are the author of your own epic story. I believe if you become familiar with the essential elements of storytelling, you can use them for personal growth: to change up your story.

So, what are these elements?

Traditional storytelling includes:

• a hero/ine (that's you),

• what the hero/ine wants,

• a setting (where things take place),

• supporting characters (friends, family, strangers, pets, Yoda),

• and an antagonist (the overwhelming obstacle, the villain).

• The final piece of the puzzle is theme, or how the story is framed.

What the Hero Wants

Over the years, I've worked with writers of all stripes, and one of the hardest questions for them to answer is, 'What does your hero want?'

It's a story about this one-legged miner who discovers his company is cutting corners on safety inspections, and he gets trapped with ten others below ground when the --

That's what happens to him. What does he WANT?

Uh, well, he wants to get rescued.

Okay, good. What else?

What else?

Yes, he has an exterior want - to survive. That's a reasonable reaction to his situation. But, people have interior wants, too. For instance, he wants to survive in order to... what?

He wants to blow the whistle on the unsafe conditions. He's tired of being treated like he's expendable. He wants to stand up to his boss.

Ah. He wants to stand up for himself.

From there, I can help the writer view his story anew to see if and when the hero's wants stay consistent. If the story veers off in the middle with an alien invasion, that can be a fun distraction -- but, it won't belong there unless it moves the hero toward what he wants: to survive and to stand up for himself. Only if the writer can connect this alien incident + the hero's actions toward getting what he wants, should it stay in the story.

You as the Hero- What Do You Want-

Here, I'll complete one for myself:

Lorie is a story about a compulsive creative with bouts of depression

who really wants to make art that reaches people

in order to finally feel she is serving others with her gifts.

Oooh, that's clarifying, isn't it?

Let's put these as sticky notes on our bathroom mirrors, shall we? That way, over the weeks and months of THINGS THAT HAPPEN -- mini-catastrophes (flooded basements), fleeting triumphs (the toddler used the toilet!), and daily distractions (bills, commuting, grocery-shopping, work) -- we can decide what belongs in our long-term narratives, and which incidents are simply distractions to be experienced and let go.

Setting and Supporting Characters

In a written story, an author has the luxury of choosing her settings and supporting characters with an eye toward those that will shape the hero's journey for his personal growth.

Is this the setting for a happy story, or a mystery? You can decide.

For instance, in our miner's story, would you imagine a setting that includes blue skies and singing animated forest animals? No, I'd expect perhaps descriptions like dingy, cramped, or stagnant, myself. Or, even the reverse: huge, impersonal, and overwhelming.

Seasoned authors share details about the hero's work environment, home, and hangout places to reflect his state of mind at the beginning of and throughout the story.

Same thing with supporting characters. The author might choose to include an oppressive or demeaning boss, and fellow miners who ostracize the hero for some reason.

But, authors also remember to include an ally, a friend or family member (or even unexpected stranger), who supports the hero's growth. Always keep an eye out for encouragers and helpers (both in stories and Life)! They are there.

Here's the kicker. I believe the settings and people we encounter in our daily lives reflect our inner stories.

So, if your surroundings and supporting characters suck, it's time to work on changing your story. After all, you're the Hero and the Author.

I'm not saying that your changes must be drastic - although, moving to Paris does sound exciting.

Changes might be as simple or difficult as going someplace you never go (a museum instead of the movies, a garden center instead of the convenience store, a coffee shop in a new neighborhood) or stretching yourself to smile at a stranger at the post office.

How about any encouragers or would-be-helpers in your life? Are you overlooking any folks in your orbit who bring out the best in you most of the time? Lean toward them more. Accept authentic kindness. Embrace new "types."

But, what about that person who always pushes your buttons?

Take a moment to view yourself as the Author, not the Hero (who's down in the weeds of the story): what if this supporting character was removed? Or, can your hero take a lesson from this character, grow from it, and move on?

What if this person feels bigger than just a supporting player?

Who or what is the villain, the antagonist, the overwhelming obstacle in your story?

Movie Still - Perils Of Pauline

Do you find that you keep running into conflict with a certain person or personality-type, bad romances, loneliness, money troubles, or soul-sucking work?

If anything feels like a wall you keep hitting and just can't demolish, then it might be the antagonist in your story.

In storytelling, antagonists raise "the stakes." They put up obstacles that threaten to stop the heroine from getting what she wants. As a reader, the higher the stakes, the more connected to her story you feel. You want her to persevere and triumph.

In your own life story, you grow by overcoming the stakes raised by your antagonist.

My antagonist is The Taskmaster, and she lives in my head. She's harsh, vocal, and mostly unhelpful:

You're barking up the wrong tree -- again.

You really lack discipline, commitment, restraint, fill-in-the-blank. Pull it together.

You always _____________. You're a disappointment.

Think of something in your life that consistently makes you feel bad about yourself or stops you in your tracks. It might be a person, a situation, or even a part of yourself. What is the message you get from this source?

Who or What is your Antagonist?

Here's mine:

A gloomy and harsh inner critic.

My Taskmaster wants immediate perfection and to always know the answer.

Her message is, 'You're not enough.'

Let's all make faces at our antagonists now. Flipping of the bird is optional.

In the best stories, the stakes raised by the antagonist cause the heroine to go through a whole spectrum of experience. She'll wrestle mightily with "both sides of the coin" during an arc of overcoming her nemesis.

If you feel like you're going through the ringer while dealing with your antagonist, you're on the right track.

You've tried A. You've tried Z. You can't give up, yet you can't triumph either.

Try this instead.

Hero's Counter Message

Here's what I've come up with:

You're not enough.

I am enough.

My Taskmaster is hooting at me right now.

You are enough. Enough what? Ha! What a cheesy idea, you weirdo.

For me, defeating my antagonist means I must lean in against her resistance, her disapproval, her fears. I must assert my counter-message and disarm her:

This idea is enough. My own message is important. I am enough.

If I am to keep growing, if I am to be of any service to others with my unique gifts, I must overcome her message and the effects it has on me.

Write down your counter-message. Say it out loud. Feel silly while doing it, but do it anyway. In fact, if you feel, 'Ew!' while mouthing it, you've probably nailed it. This is a powerful step toward disarming your antagonist. 

It's time to talk about theme. Theme informs our villains.

Theme

There is an adage that there are no original stories. Every new story is a remix of the same familiar plots: rags to riches, overcoming impossible odds, undone by a tragic flaw, a life-changing experience/voyage, etc. But, what does make a story original is its theme.

How do you frame things that happen?

Theme reflects an author's point of view; it's how she frames her story.

In traditional stories, there is an arc: a progression unfolds along a theme. We typically witness the hero suffer on one side of the thematic coin, struggle to change, and ultimately grow after attaining/experiencing the other side of the coin.

Take the story of our miner. If you were the author, and I asked you to sum up what the story is about IN ONE WORD, how would you answer?

Respect?

Justice?

Redemption?

Let's say you chose Respect.

At the beginning of this version of the story, we'd see that the miner has no respect for himself and doesn't expect nor get it from others. Over the course of the story, you'd add plot points to raise the stakes: he is berated by a co-worker; he is turned down for a promotion; he is cheated on by his lover. Finally, he is trapped underground, facing death.

In all your plot points, his antagonist's message would be, 'You are worthless, who'd respect you?'

In order to defeat his antagonist, your miner must learn to embrace his own message: 'I am worthy of respect.' 

The miner's choices will finally come down to give up and die, or work to change his belief about his worthiness for respect. He will suffer and struggle to assert himself; but, he will rally and develop respect for himself and command it from others.

Let's try Redemption instead as another example. We might include most or all of the same plot points as above. But, in this version, they would instead demonstrate how the miner feels irredeemable, and how others suffer by his unforgivable action(s). Maybe he's the one that causes the mine collapse. His antagonist's message might be, 'You must be punished.' and he'd have to work on embracing a counter-message of, 'I forgive.'

Theme frames what you emphasize with your story. If only sucky things seem to be the emphasis in your life as the Hero, put on your Author hat and try to figure out your theme. Armed with this bigger picture, you can work to change your emphasis.

A place to start is to look at the message your Antagonist has for you.

One person's ogre is another person's pussy cat. The antagonist that you have is the one that will spark you to grow. Nobody else at all may be affected by your antagonist's message, but it might give you a clue about your story's theme(s).

Next, note the way you tell stories about your life.

Imagine we're sitting in a car together, and you're telling me about your day. You woke up, you got dressed, you ate things, you did things, and now you are on your way home. Write down what you'd share with me.

Now, I want you to imagine yourself alone with your thoughts in your car. Does your mind wander to the same areas all the time? What makes you so frustrated over and over?

Conversely, tell me a favorite daydream.

Look at your notes. Do the same words or phrases appear? If not, try assigning colors to each word or phrase you've written. Do any of the same colors appear? Assign adjectives to the colors: moody, pent up, peaceful, overwhelming, mental, creative, and so on.

What's tumbling out? Look for any patterns. We're working more art than science here.

Finally, check your gut.

You might not know HOW you know, but you realize that a life-long theme for you is ____________________________________.

Life unfolds in so many, many chapters!

A life-long theme for me is Constancy. I've gotten insights before about being here for Patience, but my understanding of this has evolved. 

Over the course of your life, imagine you're the Author of a series of books, not just one. From Book One to Book Ten, the theme in the first one might be Ambition, and in the tenth one it might be Ambition in Service to The Collective Good.

Within those books, you'll have chapters with sub-themes that contribute to your understanding of your story.

In my case, I've had chapters with the following titles:

• Too Many Choices

• Talented, But Not Successful

• Overwhelm

• Can't Do This on my Own

As I've struggled through these, I've come to embrace the necessity and value of Constancy as a core theme for me. Recognizing this enables me better to make choices that foster my personal growth, not stymie it.

I fall down. I take a deep breath. I am enough. I get back up. If it takes time to get back up, it takes time. I still get back up to share whatever gifts I have.

The Big Recap

Your life is an epic story. There is power in how you tell it. Use how you tell it to foster your personal growth.

If you find your Hero-self down in the weeds of any chapter in your life, I recommend you put on your Author hat and ask yourself:

What do I want?

Is my setting bringing out the best of me?

Who are my peeps? Am I tuned in to my helpers and encouragers?

What message am I getting from my Antagonist? How do I turn that around?

And, finally, how am I framing what's going on? Do I want to keep this point of view, or shall I modify or change it?

Now get out there and shine light into the darkness with your story.

Suzuki Roshi Quote

"The problem with the word patience is that it implies we are waiting for something to get better, we are waiting for something good that will come. A more accurate word for this quality is constancy, a capacity to be with what is true moment after moment, to discover enlightenment one moment after another. Patience means understanding that what we seek is always here." via www.nolookingbackworld.tumblr.com

Your Story Isn't Set in Stone

Over the years, I've worked as a story consultant with writers of many stripes: screenwriters, documentary filmmakers, novelists, and folks who produce story experiences across multiple platforms.

The process of getting a story written or finally presented to an audience always includes a period of -

'OMG this sucks! It's total dreck. This is unrecognizable from the initial idea, and I can't possibly salvage this. What am I doing? I've lost the thread...'

followed usually by panic, and then despair and great gnashing of teeth...until you've been through the creative process once or twice (or Life for a while).

Then you realize you're actually right where you're supposed to be, on the cusp of a story with a Point of View. You had to stretch and beat and flatten your story to grasp what you really want to say with it. Your framing of the story is what makes it unique, and the specific makes stories universal and relatable. 

Now, think about a story somebody might have about herself.

Try this one on: There always seems to be a black cloud following me. It's been this way since my childhood. I've never been able to shake it.

Imagine if you were a writer or director given a character with this story. How would you frame it? Would it be a story about resignation? How about victimhood? Would you want to spend your energies - months, maybe years of effort - on putting that story out there?

Instead, how else might you frame it? As a story about a person who has kept hope alive in the face of a lifetime of misfortunes? Or, how about a story about fully grieving trauma and letting go of a self-defeating victim mentality? Or, finally, maybe it would be a story about always seeking and finding a silver lining in Life's storm clouds?

We all have our stories about ourselves, our histories, our lives. It is predictable, IMO, that we reach those panicked spots where we think our story really sucks, and that it's never going to get out of its misshapen, repetitive, uninspired, ugly phase.

It will. It does. Keep going. Keep revising. Try imagining a new frame for your stories. Tell your story anew with a compassionate point of view. No harshing on the Heroine allowed!

Here's a challenge. Tell me your revised story in one sentence. :)